Almost everyone has heard that long distance relationships are hard.
No surprise to you, I’m sure.
I witnessed it firsthand when I went to college, and every single one of my roommates had a boyfriend that went to a different university. I remember their exasperation at having different class schedules then their boyfriends, and the inevitable feeling like they were drifting apart as the school year dragged on.
While I tried to be a supportive friend, the truth is that I had no clue what they were going through, and I did not always have the patience to lay on the couch with them, binge watching Law and Order: SVU, while commiserating about their starcrossed relationships over bottomless bowls of soft serve ice cream from the cafeteria.
I could not wrap my head around the fact that they chose to bunker in our dorm room on weekend nights, rather than joining the rest of our friend group as we created those once in a lifetime memories that are immortalized into the stuff of legend.
In hindsight, I probably should have done a better job of paying attention to how my roommates navigated their relationships.
Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way when I started dating my current partner… long distance.
I could go into therapist mode, and provide some advice and encouragement to anyone that may be in a similar situation, but I think it would be more beneficial, and more honest, if I wrote about some of the challenges I struggled with, and still deal with from time to time, even after years of living so far apart from my partner.
1. Jealousy
The first challenge, and one that I probably grappled with the most, would be jealousy.
No, I do not mean feeling insecure and inadequate in my relationship.
Rather, I am talking about feeling jealous of other couples. I envy people that live within a 30 minute radius of their partner and get to spend time with them on a regular basis.
The most vivid example I can think of is from two summers ago.
It was a warm sunny August day, with cotton candy clouds, and I was listening to some Taylor Swift song, feeling content enough, that is until I pulled up to a red light.
I looked over at the car in the lane next to me, and there was a couple singing along to some song at the top of their lungs, totally off key. It was like a scene straight out of a freaking 90s music video. Their windows were rolled down, and I could see how happy, carefree, and in love they looked.
I just started crying.
I was so overcome with sadness because they got to drive around, holding hands, and sing love songs together, while I had to schedule a phone call just to be able to talk to my person.
While I am not openly weeping in my car anymore, there are times when I feel envious of people that have the opportunity to share those small, seemingly simple, everyday moments with their significant other.
I would still give anything to be snuggled on the couch with my partner, watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother, and hearing his infectious laugh, but for now, I have to be okay with most of our day to day communication happening over text.
2. Scarcity & Expectations
The second obstacle I had to overcome was having a scarcity mindset and high expectations whenever we spent time together.
We do not get to visit each other very often; there have been times when we have gone three months without seeing each other.
At the beginning of our relationship, I could get so wound up and anxious as I tried to fit in as many unforgettable moments as I could whenever he came up for a visit because I wanted those few days to feel as special as possible.
The only problem with that masterplan, is that nothing ever went according to plan, and I ended up feeling let down, disappointed, or downright depressed. Of course, I never communicated this masterplan to my partner, so he had no clue why I was basically impersonating a sullen and forlorn Eeyore.
I am doing a lot better about not planning out each day of his visits, down to the minute, and instead, relishing in whatever we end up doing because the cheesy truth is, it is our time together that makes a moment meaningful, not the other way around.
However, I am a type A person by default, so there are still times when I have to remind myself to slow down, and fight the urge not to cram as many fun things as possible into those brief visits.
3. Waiting
Lastly, I often struggled with feeling like I was putting my life on hold.
All around me, couples were taking these big steps in their relationship, whether it was buying a house together, starting a family, or hosting fancy wine and cheese parties for their other couple friends.
Yet, here I was, waiting until my partner and I could finally be together.
I felt like I was waiting for my life to start, and I was so far behind when compared to my friends.
But the truth is, I would not have it any other way.
While I could go on and on about the trials and tribulations of living so far apart from the person I love, I know that I would do it all over again if I had to, no hesitation.
Committing to a long distance relationship has been a lot of hard work and heartache.
It has been said that practice makes perfect, but the truth is, even after all these years, some days are still a challenge to get through. Don’t get me wrong, I love my independence; I have been singing about it ever since I heard “Independent Women, Part 1” by Destiny’s Child.
While I have all but perfected the art of keeping myself busy and active with things that bring me fulfillment and joy, Beyoncé and I both know that “it ain’t easy being independent.”
There may be times when that loneliness inevitably catches up to you, too. Maybe when the day is coming to an end, the to-do list is complete, and you are sitting on the couch, watching those sitcom reruns by yourself.
So yes, while most people have heard about how hard long distance relationships can be, most people actually have no clue what it actually feels like.
If you happen to live far away from your person, just know that you are not alone.
Even though your partner cannot be with you, please remember that you still have family and friends to lean on for support. They may not know what it is like to live so far apart from someone they love, but at one point or another, they have experienced the same feelings and emotions you might be grappling with, whether it is: loneliness, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, stress, fear, depression, anger, or whatever else comes to mind.
Those feelings and emotions are omnipresent, and can allow you to connect to others in very powerful and healing ways.
If talking to family or friends is not an option, then perhaps counseling might be a better fit. There are mental health professionals out there who are more than willing to listen and help you navigate this confusing, and sometimes messy, part of life.
Heck, if you find the right one, I bet that therapist will even metaphorically commiserate over those bottomless bowls of soft serve ice cream with you.
Please know that I am wishing you the best as you navigate your relationship. While this period is often fraught with challenges, you do not have to buckle up, settle in, and ride the struggle bus for the entire journey. There is some light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember that this can also be an opportunity for individual growth.
Whether this relationship lasts a lifetime, or is merely a chapter in your life’s story, you can learn so much more about yourself, your own goals and values, and just how strong you truly are.