I’ve always felt like something was off with the saying “The grass is greener on the other side.” It just doesn’t cut it. It felt off to me, like it didn’t hold enough room for the full truth, and that it was missing a lot of surrounding context.
I noticed that when I took my eyes off of a project, a relationship, an activity or hobby that it would begin to crumble. That’s when I started to put it together; instead of wanting the grass over there, I could work to green up my grass, too. That made me curious about what that meant for any situation; in particular what it means in relationships.
Just like neglected grass shows us warning signs, so do relationships that need our attention and intention. Resentments build, trust erodes, and connection fades away. The good news is, there are clear steps for how we can show care in our relationships. Let’s talk about how to water, nourish, and care for your relational lawn, so that you can focus on the ongoing maintenance, rather than waiting for a total landscaping overhaul.
It’s important to remember that conflict is a normal and even a healthy part of every relationship. It has a function. No two people are going to agree on everything. Each person in a relationship needs to be able to express their truth and be witnessed doing so. Otherwise, there is significant risk of feeling disenfranchised or small. What is important about conflict is to do it respectfully. That’s an important part of the ongoing maintenance. This maintenance can become a part of your relational process and can become an integral part of the connection you share.
So, how do we do that?
You are likely already doing work to invest in your relationship. This can show up as:
- Trying to speak kindly (with both your words and your tone) to your partner in conflict
- Spending time with your partner
- Taking accountability
- Offering some physical affection
- Doing work in or around the home
Sometimes, we are unintentionally already doing things that might undermine the relationships we care about. For some, this looks like:
- Yelling
- Blaming
- Withholding affection
- Holding grudges
- Avoiding the person or the activity
I wish I could tell you that focusing on where your grass is green was the only requirement for a quality relationship. The reality is, we also need to tend to where the grass is drying up and part of doing that is bringing out awareness to what dysfunction looks like in relationships. This brings us to the Four Horsemen of relationship, originally named by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, married co-founders of The Gottman Institute.
What are the Four Horsemen?
This metaphor was created to illustrate communication in relationships that can undermine relationships. When these are present, the Gottmans’ ongoing research shows that these can be warning signs of where attention is needed to prevent bigger problems from growing.
Criticism
Criticism is the first of the four horsemen. Facing consistent criticism from your partner can be a tiring challenge. You may have heard or said, “you never remember to ask me about my day,” or “you never let me have a minute to myself.” Criticism often includes all-or-nothing words like “always” or “never” and includes blaming another person. We start throwing judgments at others instead of sharing our true complaints.
Contempt
The second is contempt, which is the most detrimental of the four and is most strongly linked to harm in relationships. Contempt is showing up when sarcasm, mocking, ridicule, name calling, and other attacks are happening. This is more intense than criticism. It happens in relationships when we start attacking the person, not the problem itself. A warning sign within is if you’re noticing frequent negative or hurtful thoughts about your partner and it’s hard to shake them off.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is our third horseman and is often happening in response to criticism. We can interpret our partner’s criticisms toward us as attacks, even when they’re meant to be constructive. Maybe our partner isn’t even talking about us, and we feel attacked anyway. Cue the back and forth between two people just trying to do their best and fighting anyway.
Stonewalling
Our final behavior is stonewalling, which is when we blockade our partner out emotionally and only allow them to access us in certain ways. Perhaps we will have sex with them to keep the intimacy alive in the relationship, but we don’t share about our emotional experiences because we are trying to protect ourselves. This usually shows up as a result of feeling overwhelmed and because it provides a sense of protection, it gets easier and easier to do.
This video by The Gottman Institute offers illustrated examples of what the Four Horsemen can look like in communication.
What if I see these in my relationships?
Awareness is the best first thing, so don’t panic. While it can take some time to uproot the things that might cause the Four Horsemen to happen, the Gottmans’ research also offers specific, tangible tools to address each of the four.
If you’re relating to these patterns, you’re in the majority. Many (even healthy) relationships involve some elements of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling when conflict arises. Luckily, there are well-researched ways to overcome these communication missteps so that conflicts can be resolved. If you’ve never seen a great example of constructive communication, that is quite common, and no reason to feel ashamed.
Relationship counseling might be one of the many ways to water your metaphorical grass. The role of counselor is to act as a guide in this process. Relationship counselors hold space for each of you to reflect on where you learned your current relational process (an important aspect of unburdening it) and to step into the practices more readily.
So, it’s not really about grass being green on the other side after all. Noticing brown spots and crabgrass in your own lawn are not signs of failure. They are neon signs pointing you to where your yard needs attention and intention.
Setting up a relationship counseling session is a great place to start learning how to notice these signs and address them directly, together.
To try relationship counseling with Seth Parker, please reach out using the form below.